Preteens and adolescents suffering from unexplained fearfulness, sleep disturbances or vague physical ailments on school days may be struggling with a bully. These are the only clues some moms and dads get. In the adolescent years, victims are less likely to discuss such conflict, preferring to live in what one university study called “a culture of silence.” But experts concur that talking about bullying is essential to resolution. Adults should cultivate an openness about the subject and urge kids to:
• Keep their parents in the loop. Parents, assure kids that you are on their side and won’t take any action (visiting school, calling the bully’s home) without discussing it with them first.
• Pray. Pray for the bully and ask God for His protection and help in the circumstances.
• Chronicle tense encounters in writing. Note what was said or done, where, who witnessed it, and so on. Beyond being therapeutic, this is especially helpful if outside mediators need to enter the picture.
• Investigate the school’s anti-bullying policy. Knowing the amount of support one can expect on campus — and where to go for help — can make kids feel less isolated.
• Rely on trusted peers for support. British researcher Helen Cowie says, “Peer support does not replace [adult] intervention, but it provides a crucial emotional and social safety net for very vulnerable young people.”
• Choose entertainment carefully. Avoid anything that could have a negative impact on already frayed emotions.
• Realize that they are not to blame for being bullied, and refuse to believe any lies being told about them. The bully is the disturbed one, striking out at people because of insecurity, jealousy, or some other unmet need. Remind kids of their value in God’s sight and that no one can make them feel inferior without their permission.
In his book Dr. Dobson Answers Your Questions, Dr. Dobson offers this encouragement: “The human personality grows through mild adversity, provided it is not crushed in the process. I have enjoyed happiness and fulfillment thus far my entire lifetime, with the exception of two painful years. Those stressful years occurred during my seventh- and eighth-grade days, lasting through ages 13 and 14. [Yet] these two years have contributed more positive features to my adult personality than any other span of which I am aware. My empathy for others, my desire to succeed in life, my motivation in graduate school, my understanding of inferiority and my communication with teenagers are primarily products of an agitated adolescence.”
In far too many homes, bullied kids are agitated, frustrated and desperate for a way out — which may explain the popularity of Spider-Man, a $400 million box-office smash. The movie is essentially a fantasy about a bullied teen who develops superpowers, transcends his circumstances and dedicates himself to protecting others. It has struck a chord with audiences worldwide — young and old — who can, unfortunately, relate to the character’s plight.
—by Bob Smithouser
Excerpted from the August 2002 issue of Focus on the Family’s Plugged In magazine.
