Effective Co-Parenting

1. Keep the goal in mind. Working with an uncooperative ex spouse is difficult, especially when you find it tough to give them any credit for change. On some level many ex spouses need to view the other as incapable of change. This leads you to look for evidence that the ex is the same and can’t be trusted; you might also discount evidence to the contrary.
   

   Having a business mentality may help you avoid being sidetracked when your buttons get pushed.

   
   Keeping the goal in mind means doing everything you can to be a Cooperative Colleague and remaining open to the possibility that your ex spouse might change along life’s way. When treating children who are members of a post divorce family or stepfamily, a standard part of my clinical work is to call ex-spouses for a consultation. I generally find them to be much less disagreeable than the other parent assumes they will be. In fact, they are often eager to improve the living conditions for their children. Remember, if you can grow up and change, so can they.

2. Be businesslike if necessary. Many co parents have learned how to handle difficult ex spouse relationships. Some use note cards while speaking on the phone to help keep them on task. Others avoid personal contact altogether, relying on answering machines, letters and e-mail. No matter what your avenue of communication, treat the contact as you would a business deal. Don’t get personal, seek the win/win solution, and stick to discussing the kids.
   
   Having a business mentality may help you to avoid being sidetracked when your buttons get pushed. For example, one good business principle that applies in many circumstances is trying to find the common ground. Whenever possible, agree with some aspect of what your ex is saying even if you disagree with the main point. “You’re right, every teenager wants the independence a car provides; I’m just wondering if he should be rewarded with one right now given his poor grades.” If you can’t “close the deal” because of personal pain or attacks, politely take a time out from negotiations. Return to the table later when you have gathered yourself.

— Ron L. Deal

Taken from The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family by Ron L. Deal, Copyright © 2002, Bethany House Pub. Used with permission.

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On This Topic

• Introduction • Guidelines for Cooperation • Action Points for Co-Parents