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Relationship Topics
Effective Co-Parenting
At a minimum, biological
parents who have divorced should contain their anger and conflict in order to
cooperate and compromise on issues of the children’s welfare.
The bottom line is a system that allows children to be children and adults to be their parents.
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At a maximum,
the co-parents can strive to enforce similar rules and standards of conduct
in each of the children’s homes.
Most co-parents find it difficult to accomplish the former;
only a few are able to achieve the latter. Nevertheless, co-parents should do
everything they can to build cooperation
between the two homes.
I’ll let the children explain what a functional co-parental
relationship means in practical, everyday terms.
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Julie,
12, complained in a therapy session that she couldn’t invite both her parents
to her music recital. “If they both come they’ll just scowl every chance
they get. I tried inviting them both last year, and Mom wouldn’t speak to
me for two days because Dad brought Amy [stepmom] with him. She refuses
to be in the same room with them.” Julie learned to take turns inviting
her mom and dad. If one couldn’t attend, she could invite the other. Unfortunately,
this put her in constant turmoil, as she was forced to choose which parent
she would invite to certain events. If the other wanted to come but couldn’t,
Julie heard that parent’s disappointment and felt guilty. “Why can’t they
just put aside their differences and tolerate a couple of hours in the same
room?” Good question.
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Because
Terrance’s parents always ended up fighting on the phone, he became
the middleman to their visitation arrangements. His mother stopped speaking
to his father and asked Terrance, at age 9, to communicate her preferences
for drop-off and pickup. Terrance had no choice but to oblige, since he
enjoyed spending time with his father on weekends.
In both these examples, children carried undue emotional anxiety
and burden because their parents could not set aside their differences and act
like adults.
An effective co-parent arrangement for Julie’s parents
would mean she could invite both parents to her recitals and not worry whether
they were fighting or anxious. An effective arrangement for Terrance’s
parents would include their finding a way to talk rationally about their schedules
instead of triangulating Terrance.
The bottom line is a system that allows children to be children
and adults to be their parents.
Additional
Resources
— Ron L. Deal
Taken from The
Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family by Ron L. Deal, Copyright
© 2002, Bethany House Pub. Used with permission.
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