Divorce invites the judgmental to label us negatively. Assumptions are made based on limited information, and expectations follow regarding what we can or cannot do. Negative labels like “selfish,” “angry” and “inferior” can be placed on divorced people and their children. Left to deal with the pain of the divorce itself, we are then further burdened by a tag reading “failure.”

Like a child struggling under the weight of a fully loaded backpack, the tag makes it difficult to stand up straight, let alone move forward. So what do we do?

People pressure

Why are we so plugged in to what other people think? From the time we are children, we look for approval and affirmation from family, friends and peers. Our desire to be liked is so great that we often give up who we are. We let go of what we enjoy and even what we think, ceasing to be authentic, so we can satisfy our craving for approval.

Dottie enjoyed breaking into silliness during leisure time with friends. Her goofy behavior annoyed her husband while they were married and, wanting his approval, she shelved the silly stuff. Years later, no longer married and in the company of friends, she allowed her silly side to reappear. Tina commented, “Why haven’t I seen this side to you? You make me laugh. I love your sense of humor.”

So, how can we get comfortable enough to be ourselves, no matter where we are?

God’s love

God is waiting for us to come to Him. His love is like no other. He loves us just as we are, not as we should be. What we do or don’t do does not change how much He loves us. We cannot do anything to make Him love us any more or any less. If we can grasp how much God loves us, looking to Him for affirmation rather than being concerned with what people think, we can find freedom to be ourselves. Brennan Manning wrote, “Freedom in Christ produces a healthy independence from peer pressure, people-pleasing and the bondage of human respect.” This freedom allows us to flick off the labels people slap on us. We can be free from the opinions of others.

Sabrina’s brothers had labeled her a failure but she chose to peel it off. While going through the long ugly process of divorce, working and parenting her two children, she went back to school to finish her bachelor’s degree. Refusing to wear someone else’s nametag she forged ahead, experiencing the satisfaction of a goal achieved. In turn, doors were opened to better job opportunities.

Tommy, a fourth-grader, struggled after his dad left. Preoccupied with daydreams of his return, Tommy’s grades slipped. One teacher commented to another, “Tommy’s parents are getting a divorce, so he probably won’t have a good academic year.”

Over time, with the reassuring love of his mother, Tommy bounced back. Although his teacher lowered her expectations, Tommy chose to do his best and return to the honor roll.

We don’t have to stay stuck. New opportunities await us, “Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness” (Lamentations 3:22-23). As we incorporate this truth into our lives, we are able to let go of yesterday’s baggage and start each day fresh.

Wounded but willing

Have you ever noticed how the people God uses significantly are often deeply wounded? Look at Joseph. In Genesis we are told that his brothers hated him so much that they sold him into slavery. Can you imagine the pain? But it didn’t stop there. While serving Potiphar, one of Pharaoh’s officers, Potiphar’s wife falsely accused Joseph of making sexual advances toward her. The false accusation led to jail time. Did Joseph stop trusting God? No. Pharaoh later put Joseph in charge of the whole land of Egypt, giving him the opportunity to save many lives, including the lives of his brothers. What Joseph’s brothers meant for evil, God used for good.

We serve a God of redemption—one who specializes in healing the hurt, giving hope to the hopeless, bringing beauty to a bleak land. God can use the pain we experience for good.
It’s more about posture than position. Psalm 145:14 says, “The LORD upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down.” The position we’re in may be lacking, but if we humble ourselves before God, trusting Him to make sense of it all, He will. It’s not about what we have, or where we’ve been; it’s about laying our lives before Him.

Handing off hope

As we refuse to wear the labels people may put on us and choose to live out who God says we are, we experience peace and joy. We are then able to pass this on to our children through our example, by giving words of encouragement and supporting them in prayer. As parents we must pass on the hope. We can be successful! We—along with our children—can beat the odds and defy statistics, refusing to be limited by labels. In God’s love, mercy and grace we find everything we need.