1. Brian, I wanted to talk to you this morning because of the changes that are taking place in you and in our home. We both know that the past few weeks have not been very pleasant. You have been angry most of the time and have become disobedient and rude. I've said things I regretted. This is not what God wants of me as your parent.

2. This is a final phase of childhood. Nearly everyone on earth goes through these rough years during their early teens. There are even greater pressures on kids today than when I was young.

3. But Brian, you must understand this message: You are not grown yet. You have wanted me to leave you alone. But you are not ready for complete independence, and I would be showing hatred for you (instead of love) if I surrendered at this time. I would regret my mistake for the rest of my life, and you would soon blame me, too.

4. I want to make a pledge to you, here and now: I intend to be more sensitive to your needs and feelings than I have been in the past. When you seek a new privilege, I'm going to ask myself this question, "Is there any way I can grant this request without harming Brian or other people?" If I can permit what you want in good conscience, I will do so. I will compromise and bend as far as my best judgement will let me.

5. But hear this, Brian. There will be a few matters that cannot be compromised. There will be occasions when I will have to say "no." And when those times come, you can expect me to stand like the Rock of Gibraltar. No amount of violence and temper tantrums and door slamming will change a thing. In fact, if you choose to fight me in those remaining rules, then I promise that you will lose dramatically. You're too big and grown up to spank, but I can still make you uncomfortable. So it's up to you. We can have a peaceful time of cooperation at home, or we can spend this last part of your childhood in unpleasantness and struggle. Either way, you will arrive home when you are told, and you will carry your share of responsibility in the family and you will continue to respect me.

6. Finally, I love you more than you can imagine, and I'm going to remain your friend during this difficult time. Life involves disappointment and loss and rejection and aging and sickness and ultimately death. You haven't felt much of that discomfort yet, but you'll taste it soon enough. So with all the heartache outside our door, let's not bring more of it on ourselves. We need each other.

The content of this message should be modified to fit individual circumstances and the needs of particular adolescents. Furthermore, the responses of children will vary tremendously from person to person. An "open" boy or girl may reveal his deepest feelings at such a moment of communication, permitting a priceless time of catharsis and ventilation. On the other hand, a stubborn, defiant, proud adolescent may sit immobile with head downward. But even if your teenager remains stoic or hostile, at least the cards have been laid on the table and parental intentions explained.