Dialogue — The Key to Family Harmony

For good dialogue, it is important to follow these basic ground rules:

1. You don’t need anyone’s permission to answer what is true for you. These are your answers. But strive to be accurate. Other family members will be trying to remember what you said so they can better understand you and treat you better.

2. No arguing, criticizing or objecting. People hate to be criticized over things they say. They know what they think and feel, and they consider it absurd and insensitive if others think they know these things better.

3. Listen in order to understand the other person, not to change him or her.

4. Ask lots of questions (usually "why?”) to clarify what is being communicated. Other clarifying questions can be: What? What for? How? When? How come? Where? In what way? Can you explain? Please tell me more.

5. Refrain from giving advice or breaking in with your own thoughts or feelings on the subject. When the other person is through — that is, when he or she can no longer answer more questions — you may ask permission to share your own feelings and thoughts about the subject (but not about how the other person said things!).

6. Let people be themselves, even if they give an answer that you do not agree with or like. Instead of objecting or offering criticism, ask “why” questions. This will help you clarify what they are saying, what they think and feel about things, and who they are. People will appreciate your efforts to understand them.

7. Avoid conflict over answers. There are no right or wrong answers. There is just what a person says. He or she will appreciate you for asking about and learning from his or her own words.

8. Solve problems only after much dialogue has produced deeper understanding. Dialogue will expose some differences that might have to be solved. Make a note of those you think will need some discussion and problem-solving — later. But during the dialogue, do not address the problems.

— Dick Wulf, MSW, LCSW

Dick Wulf is a professional Christian counselor, psychotherapist and clinical social worker with over 37 years of experience. Formerly the program director of the Pikes Peak Mental Health Center in Colorado Springs, Dick is the author of Find Yourself — Give Yourself and the Family Conversation Tool Kits.

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On This Topic

• Introduction • Why Dialogue? • Dialogue Must Be Safe and Even Fun • Dialogue Is Not Discussion • Dialogue Gets People Thinking • An Example of Dialogue • Dialogue Helps You Solve Problems • Guidelines for Dialogue • More Hints for Good Dialogue