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Relationship Topics
Dialogue — The Key to Family Harmony
Dialogue Helps You Solve Problems
How can you discuss, evaluate, disagree and then come to agreement on something if you first do not really know what another person thinks, feels, and means by what he or she says?
You’ll spend less time correcting kids.
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For example, you might want to correct your 10-year-old son over his tendency to raise his voice to get his own way. But dialogue will help you find out more before you have that discussion. Dialogue would, in this case, mean asking him why he raises his voice.
- He might say he is never seriously considered until he does so. You could take a week or two to observe if this is true. Perhaps you will find that his quiet requests or arguments are dismissed,
forcing him to turn up the volume. Then the changing that needs to be
done is yours.
- On the other hand, he might say that he raises his voice
to help get his point across. Then you know that you need to teach
him the proper way to present his argument.
- Or he might say he doesn’t like to be told no. Then, a future discussion
can focus on how to handle disappointment.
Asking questions can tell you much more about any problem you are facing and help you do a better job of addressing it. You’ll spend a lot less time correcting kids if you are not just guessing about what the problem is.
Here’s another example. Think about how easy it would be for any of us to say to a strident, demanding daughter, “Don’t talk to us that way!” If she had not thought the disrespectful thoughts we assumed, she would be totally confused. But a simple question like “Did you mean to be telling us what to do?” will help clarify the situation.
- We might get from her a convincing no. Then we would realize that we had not interpreted her comment correctly. We can proceed to ask her to explain what she was saying.
- But if she is lying when she says no, non-accusatory questions will require her to look at her own behavior. Simply saying “Don’t talk to us that way!” will only trap her into defending herself and looking ridiculous, which is destructive to her self-esteem.
- If she admits to be telling us what to do, we can counter with further dialogue questions before going on to correction or discussion. Those questions could be:
- “Why would you want to tell us what to do?”
- “Do you think parents should let their kids boss them around?”
- “Why would you think that bossing us around would be the
best way to get what you want?”
All of these dialogue questions can help the child to think.
Immediate correction such as “Don’t talk to me that way!” will likely create fear or confusion and bring forth defensiveness, rather than real thought about behavior. When our kids think things through, there is a much better chance of them thinking, learning and changing rather than just reacting to us.
— Dick Wulf, MSW, LCSW
Dick Wulf is a professional Christian counselor, psychotherapist and clinical social worker with over 37 years of experience. Formerly the program director of the Pikes Peak Mental Health Center in Colorado Springs, Dick is the author of Find Yourself — Give Yourself and the Family Conversation Tool Kits.
Do you have thoughts, questions, advice on this topic? Post your stories and comments in the forum for other parents to respond to. Enter the forum now.
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