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Relationship Topics
Understanding Reactive Attachment Disorder
Interaction Tips
Communicating with a severely unattached child requires understanding, patience and determination, as these children are manipulative and controlling but unresponsive to traditional discipline techniques. They do not trust that anyone has their best interests in mind, but you cannot get close enough to them to convince them otherwise. It is difficult to remember that these children are not simply naughty or undisciplined. They are, in their minds, fighting for their lives. It may be necessary to take older children back through earlier developmental stages to establish the level of trust and commitment required to move forward.
Your goal is to convince him that you are committed to his well-being.
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When parenting a child who displays symptoms of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), the immediate challenge is to create an emotional bond, allowing your child to attach first to you — the primary caregiver. When together, hold your child in your arms or lap, facing you, until he stops struggling. Respond immediately to all cries (even those that don’t seem to have a cause), giving affection any time it is asked for. Turn off the television for good, or for at least a year, and give your child all possible attention. Remember that your child is special. You are not going to spoil him or make him self-centered. He has learned too well that adults won’t cater to him. Your goal is to help your child unlearn this negative stereotype and to convince him that you are committed to his well-being.
If your child is sick and hospitalized, seize the opportunity to lavish attention on him. Address all medical concerns but, if possible, put off any painful treatments. Consider sleeping in the hospital room with your child until he is comfortable with the environment.
Educate yourself about developmentally appropriate skills so you can recognize both lags and precocity. It is sometimes good to force your child to regress, allowing him to be a baby again and enjoy the comfort of your attention and provision.
When punishment is necessary, never use separation as a discipline method — such as time-out. Work together with your spouse to create a stable, consistent home with strict, firmly enforced boundaries, preventing situations that escalate. All adults invested in a child with RAD — including teachers and grandparents — can benefit from understanding the common symptoms and predicting the manipulations he may attempt. Keep these tips in mind:
- Be aware that the unattached child wants to be in control. Calmly remind your child that you are the boss (even to the point of requiring him to verbalize it to you), but be painstakingly fair and consistent. Require him to follow precise directions, not allowing him to choose an option of discipline over doing what you have asked.
- Offer constructive choices rather than give direct demands. (“Would you rather use this yellow pencil to do your work or this pencil with soccer balls on it?” is better than “Do your work!”) Do not allow your child to select a third option.
- Make your child look you in the eye, but do not succumb to a staring match.
- Help your child learn cause and effect and the ability to reason. Point out the good decisions he makes and require him to “fix” the bad ones. Allow natural consequences to occur, pointing out the choices and irresponsibility that led to them.
- Ask for help from people experienced with unattached children. Keep in mind, though, that advice from well-meaning but untrained people is rarely applicable to a child with RAD.
- Recognize that unattached children crave sincere affection but don’t know how to receive it. Avoid placing your child in a situation he perceives as threatening.
- Families, teachers and other involved parties may benefit by keeping a record of your child’s progress, regress and general behavior. This can sometimes be therapeutic, especially for parents. Though parents and teachers want to assume and aim for the best, individuals with RAD tend to be manipulative. Because of this, it’s important to regularly and thoroughly document your child’s behavior, comments and interactions with you or others. RAD children often claim they have been physically abused. Though it may sometimes be true, it is more commonly a false report made after a self-inflicted injury. Objective, detailed documentation on a nonemergency basis can make these high-alert circumstances much easier to sort out.
— Alexandra Lütz
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