Children detach as a psychological defense mechanism, protecting themselves from emotional and physical harm. That part is logical, but a mother cannot grasp why her child seems capable of affection toward the father, but not toward her. A teacher can’t figure out where the endearing child went, and from where this angry monster came. The behavior of a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) can appear confusing and unpredictable until you understand the underlying intention.
Unattached children keep all relationships on their own conditions to avoid rejection.
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You cannot be let down by someone you never loved, and you cannot be abandoned by someone you never allowed to love you. By controlling the environment, unattached children keep all relationships on their own conditions, and thereby avoid disappointment and rejection.
Children with RAD manipulate strangers with charm and even inappropriate affection, but react aggressively as soon as an adult gets too close emotionally. Among people who know them well, they pick and choose whom they will love in order to show their control of the situation.
Most children will, at some point, display a few of the following symptoms, but unattached children show most or all of them. In infants, the behaviors are subtle. Most distinctly, they don’t cry much. Yet they startle easily and are difficult to calm once irritated. These abnormal crying patterns may be one of the most significant indicators of an attachment problem in children under age 1. It may be that the baby rarely cries, or he cries with rage not typically displayed in newborns.
Other than the angry cries, the infant will rarely verbalize with babbling or giggling, and he will not respond when adults coo, smile and baby talk. In fact, he will often avoid eye contact and will not show recognition of the caregiver’s face. Babies with RAD will often be limber until an adult tries to cuddle with them. Then they will stiffen, try to wrestle away or arch their backs. As they draw close to their first birthday, they may not be interested in any sort of play (although they may “entertain” themselves by inflicting pain — pinching themselves, pulling their own hair, etc.).
Toddlers with RAD show the same types of symptoms. They are difficult to console once upset, frequently throwing wild tantrums. Minor irritations become major events demanding everyone’s attention. These children –– even though they’re accident-prone –– have high thresholds of pain, making spanking an ineffective discipline technique. They alternate between being excessively clingy (especially when mothers leave them with a sitter) and being unreceptive to affection, or even being aggressively hostile. No longer passive, depressed infants, these toddlers may be hyperactive, demanding constant attention because they are unable to entertain themselves.
These characteristics make consistent daycare difficult, but the problem is exacerbated by frequent changes in daycare. One of the most serious symptoms may seem like the least of a parent’s worry: the inability to recognize cause and effect.
By the time a severely unattached child enters school, his problems become everyone else’s problems. Instead of just hurting himself, he inflicts harm on siblings, pets, classmates and property. More troubling is that he seems to lack any remorse for his actions, and he is often fascinated with anything that repulses or shocks people in authority. He may lie (about the only time he will look you in the eye), cheat and steal without a second thought. When confronted about his behavior, he will make quite a scene in an intense control battle.
A child with RAD will often chat incessantly in an attempt to control the classroom in which he is falling farther and farther behind. Also, an unattached child typically has poor hygiene. These behaviors make him stand apart from his peers who now want nothing to do with him, reinforcing his belief that he is not capable of being loved. Still, this child will show unbridled affection to strangers, having perfected the art of manipulation to a point where he recognizes that this attention makes other people think his parents are crazy for having any trouble with him.
As time passes with no improvement, his parents become frustrated and angry about the situation. If he is not biologically related, his parents may feel as though they made a huge mistake. This parental attitude usually manifests itself in the relationship, advancing the notions already embedded in the child’s heart. Already hostile toward their mothers, unattached children intentionally create division between their parents.
If all of this seems like too much to handle, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Families can overcome RAD, but the longer the problem is allowed to develop, the more difficult it becomes for the child –– and the more likely that the parents will need to receive treatment. The entire family may need to “reprogram.” As soon as you recognize a potential problem in your family, seek help immediately from someone experienced specifically in attachment disorders, who can also rule out a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. (In older children, the symptoms of bipolar disorder can be confused with RAD, especially if the child is considered high-risk for RAD.)
— Alexandra Lütz
