Frustration

Ephesians 6:4 cautions fathers not to “exasperate” or “provoke” their children. Exasperation stems from the dad’s:

• Impatience. A constant attitude of impatience toward your child can be a source of frustration. The child feels he is in your way and never meets your expectations.
• Inconsistency. Often parents are inconsistent in various aspects of parenting –– praise, discipline or rules. It’s confusing for children when boundaries are constantly changing. When a child is trying his best to understand and follow parental rules, and is praised one day but criticized the next, he becomes frustrated.

Fear

Many times the underlying emotion to anger is fear. Even fears that seem irrational to us as adults are very real to children. Fear of rejection or abandonment can be precipitated by a divorce or a death.

Children need to be loved unconditionally. If they feel love from parents only when they “perform,” they may become anxious and angry for feeling they have to constantly “do” to be loved. Some children internalize pressure to excel in academics or sports. This pressure may come from parents or may be expectations a child places on himself. Either way, fear of failure often manifests itself as anger.

Modeling

While no parent wants to admit it, a child’s anger can come from acting out what he sees in his family. Whether subtly or blatantly, we can model anger to our child. Children are perceptive, and something as simple as the set of our jaw, forcefulness of our walk or words mumbled under our breath will convey angry responses to our child.

Of course, the more obvious manifestations of anger –– such as slamming doors, yelling, hitting or throwing things –– also models rage. Just as children learn to walk and talk by watching us, so they will learn to imitate our anger.

Birth Order

A number of middle children exhibit anger about their place in the lineup of offspring. First children are usually over-achieving-perfectionist-pleasers, which makes them a tough act to follow. A second or middle child may become resentful over feeling he has to compete with “Sister Perfect.” Anger can develop within a child who feels less intelligent, not as physically capable or less talented than an older sibling.

—Candy Arrington

Copyright © 2004 Candy Arrington.
Used by permission. All rights reserved.

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