Peacemaking is a key to success in life. This is as true for our children as it is for us. Therefore, the first requirement for teaching children to be peacemakers is to show that peacemaking skills are necessary if they want to have satisfying personal relationships. Peacemaking is also crucial for success in professional and vocational life.

Second, teaching children to be peacemakers requires helping them understand the root cause of their conflicts. Some of the desires that fuel our children’s conflicts are clearly wrong, like pride, selfishness, jealousy, greed or sibling rivalry. However, many of their conflicts will be generated by good desires elevated to selfish demands.

For example, there is nothing inherently wrong with wanting to have a cookie or to watch a video or to spend more time with Dad or to excel in a school subject or sport. But if a child becomes resentful, sullen or angry when not getting what he or she wants, it is evident that a wrong desire has taken control of his or her heart. Thus conflict becomes an X ray of our children’s hearts. When others stand in the way of their desires and they quarrel and fight, their wrong desires are exposed. This gives us as parents an excellent opportunity to help our children break free from selfish desires.

This will not be a onetime process. The same controlling desires will beset our children’s hearts and cause conflicts again and again, as they do ours.

The third requirement for training peacemakers is deliberate, systematic instruction. Unfortunately, few children receive adequate instruction in peacemaking. For example, we usually tell our children that they should confess their wrongs and forgive others. But we often leave them ignorant on how to do so in an effective manner. Therefore, what we often hear from them is a grudging “I’m sorry” or a superficial “That’s okay,” both of which fail to convey genuine repentance or bring about reconciliation. This ignorance often carries into adulthood, where it is manifested in strained marriages and needless lawsuits.

Teaching by example is one of the most effective and highly commended instructional methods. Regardless of what you say to your children, most of what they learn about getting along with other people will come from what they see you do. If you live in denial or flee from conflict, your children will learn to become avoiders. If you lash out with angry words and blame others for everything that goes wrong, they will learn to become attackers. And if you refuse to forgive, they will learn how to be lonely and bitter people.

Most families encounter conflict repeatedly every day. Kids find issues to fight over, whether it’s who gets the last cookie or whose piece of toast has more butter on it. They are also extremely creative in finding ways to evade your instructions and neglect their chores or homework. That’s the bad news. The good news is: Every one of these incidents offers a rich opportunity to help your children face their selfish desires and practice the basic principles of peacemaking.

On those wonderful (if rare) days when your family is living in peace, you can still find conflicts to discuss. Most stories and books your children read will involve conflict. The same is true of every television program and movie they watch.

My wife and I use simple questions at the right time to stimulate discussions. “Is the main character in this book using an escape response or an attack response?” “Is he acting wisely?” “What desires in his heart seem to have turned into idols?” “What consequences do you think he will experience if he gives in to those desires?” Or you might ask, “If you were the girl in this movie, how would you confess to her mother?” “If you were her mother, what would you say to show that you had really forgiven her?”

The fourth requirement for teaching children to be peacemakers is to provide them with a variety of appropriate social interactions so they can practice getting along with others in the midst of struggles and conflicts. This does not mean constantly surrounding your child with crowds of other kids. What it means is that you should arrange for your children to interact with a variety of people suitable to their age and maturity, who will occasionally give them opportunities to experience conflict and practice peacemaking. This is an essential step in bringing children to maturity.

Such situations abound, especially if we take advantage of opportunities to relate to people of all ages and stages in life. Church, sports and artistic activities provide a good start. School activities, educational co-ops and field trips allow further opportunities for social interaction.