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Relationship Topics
Smart Stepparenting
Grow into Your Role
Stepparenting changes as relationships grow.
“Early in remarriage, the most successful stepparent-stepchild relationships are those where the stepparent focuses first on the development of a warm, friendly interaction style with the stepchild. Once a foundation of mutual respect and affection is established, stepparents who then attempt to assume a disciplinarian role are less likely to meet with resentment from the stepchild.”1
Closeness and the authority to discipline develop over time, and neither should be rushed. For example, stepparents are often eager to build a relationship and commonly seek one-on-one activities with stepchildren. But for a time, stepchildren are often uncomfortable being alone with a stepparent.
Spend time in family group activities instead of intense one-on-one experiences.
After a period of time, one-on-one opportunities are received more openly. The length of time required for stepchildren to build a relationship with their stepparent depends on a number of factors. This is why it’s so important to let the stepchild set the pace for their relationship with you (see Enjoy the Relationship You Have Now).
Meanwhile, learn about the child’s interests, share talents and skills, and engage in family group activities.
One of the most important stepparenting skills after remarriage is monitoring the children’s activities. This involves knowing their daily routine, where the children are, who they are with, and what extracurricular activities they are involved in, but does not necessarily include being involved in the child’s emotional life. Monitoring stepparents check homework and daily chores and befriend stepchildren, yet refrain from emotional closeness that is not welcomed by the child.
The research evidence suggests that the best stepparent initially works through and with the children’s parent.
Initially, maintaining an emotionally non-threatening, distant relationship is best.
After a couple years stepparents can begin to spend more time in direct childcare and rule setting. Agreement between the spouses as to the timing of this role shift is important.
Marital consensus and mutual support always provide the strength a stepparent needs to become more authoritative (see Make Your Marriage a Priority).
— Ron Deal
www.successfulstepfamilies.com Note
1. Pasley, K., Dollahite, D., & Ihinger-Tallman, M. (2000). What We Know About the Role of the Stepparent. Stepfamilies Quarterly [online]. Available: www.stepfam.org.
Adapted from The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family by Ron L. Deal, Bethany House Publishers, 2002. Used with permission.
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