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Development Topics
Talking to Your Child About Pornography
Talking More Openly About Pornography With Tweens
Between the ages of 9 and 12, it is crucial to prepare your child to handle the temptations associated with puberty and raging hormones.
When your child enters puberty, the once-boring subject of the opposite sex is likely to suddenly become very interesting and exciting.
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If you have already spoken with your child about sexuality and pornography when he or she was younger, you can continue to build on this foundation. However, if this is all new to you, the best thing to do is gather wise counsel, prepare to act, and then get the conversation going!
Preparation for Puberty
When your child enters puberty, the once-boring subject of the opposite sex is likely to suddenly become very interesting and exciting. Complicating this already difficult time for kids is the deluge of sexual imagery found in all types of media (TV, movies, music, video games) and the immodest dress of schoolmates.
You can prepare your child for these changes before they begin:
- Explain the changes of puberty. Don't just teach your child about the physical changes in his or her body, but also about how these changes will bring an increased interest in sex. Tell your child that he or she may begin having sexual thoughts and that his or her body will begin to react to sexual stimuli. Assure your child that these thoughts are normal, but that with puberty comes the responsibility to respect people in our thoughts, words and actions. It's okay to warn your child that this may be a difficult time, but also offer the assurance that by preparing his or her heart and mind now, he or she will be better equipped later on to deal with the pressures.
- Encourage openness. The changes that come about during puberty are often fraught with embarrassing moments. Let your child know that he or she doesn't have to face these alone. Encourage him or her not to keep secrets about these changes. Share stories of what happened to you when you went through these changes and how you handled them. Trust is essential in the parent-child relationship, and if you have safeguarded the trust given to you by your child, he or she will be more likely to share with you these intimate, but perfectly normal, aspects of growth.
- Warn about the power of seduction. If sexual intimacy between a husband and wife is a holy experience that points us back to God, where do you think Satan launches his strongest attack? Describe the types of seduction (for example, pornography and sexually-pressuring classmates) your child is likely to encounter and how powerful they will be. Work with your child to develop a plan of action for when he or she finds themselves in such a compromising position. You might even consider sitting down with your child and writing out a safety plan that you both sign. You can reference this from time to time in your conversations.
- Reinforce the value of keeping good company. Peer pressure is a significant factor in how much youth experiment with sex, drugs, and alcohol. Be involved with your child's friends. Talk to them. Find out about their home life. Help your child discern the good influences from the bad ones. The drive to be accepted and popular is powerful, but grounding your kids in a strong self image as a unique child of God is more powerful still.
- Be available. Make it clear to your child that they can always approach you with sexual questions and concerns at any age.
- Emphasize continued growth in Christ. The most powerful protection against the seduction of pornography is a strong, vibrant relationship with Christ. Many children (and adults, for that matter) pace the fence of sexual boundaries wondering "How far can I go?". But the person who is focused on Christ, from which these boundaries emanate, concentrates only on honoring God and others. Encouraging and helping your child develop a strong faith that is active in study, worship, and service will not only help him or her withstand the lure of pornography, but provide the foundation for weathering all of life's storms.
For information about discussing pornorgraphy with younger children or teens:
— by Daniel Weiss
Daniel Weiss is senior analyst for media and sexuality at Focus on the Family.
Do you have thoughts, questions, advice on this topic? Post your stories and comments in the forum for other parents to respond to. Enter the forum now.
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