The discomfort many parents feel when they consider talking to their children about pornography often stems from their own unresolved sexual experiences from the past.
They may think that because of their past mistakes, they have forfeited the right to teach their children about sexual morality.
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Checkered Past
Since the 1960s, American culture has grown increasingly permissive in its attitudes about sex. Entire industries that propagate lies about human sexuality have been born and are thriving in this atmosphere. As a result, many teens and young adults have been deceived by these lies and found themselves experimenting sexually. Many of these individuals are now parents -- parents who don't want their children to follow the same path, but are reluctant to discuss this with them because they don't want to risk being perceived as hypocritical.
Other parents, who at one time or another might have used or viewed pornography -- or are actively struggling with it -- are hesitant to broach the subject with their children because they are embarrassed or ashamed of their own behavior.
It is these indiscretions that often paralyze parents when it comes to talking to their children about sexual matters. They may think that because of their past mistakes, they have forfeited the right to teach their children about sexual morality.
But nothing could be further from the truth! The Bible tells us that the Apostle Paul (formerly Saul) was once a persecutor of Christians. But did this disqualify him from preaching and teaching the love of Christ following his conversion on the road to Damascus? Absolutely not. In fact, Paul was a central figure in the establishment of the early Christian church.
When you acknowledge your mistakes to Christ, and repent from the sin they represent, you can speak openly and plainly with your child (when appropriate) about the pain and devastation of deviating from God's plan.
It is important to remember, however, that the decision to reveal your past must be carefully and prayerfully considered. Some children might perceive their parent's mistakes as license to engage in the same behaviors.
When revealing any part of your past to your child, keep in mind the following:
- Teach the rule before teaching the exception. Make sure your child has a healthy understanding of God's plan for sexuality before sharing how your past deviated from that plan.
- Make sure the conversation is age-appropriate. Do not introduce new sexual concepts that are beyond your child's developmental level, keeping in mind that "age-appropriate" can sometimes be mitigated by life circumstances. For instance, you might not consider discussing the subject of sexual molestation with a 6-year-old; however, if a close friend or family member has been recently molested, you would want to share the truth about this situation with your child (using age-appropriate language and concepts).
- Don't be too specific. You don't have to disclose details to get your point across. Telling your child that you once struggled in this area is enough. Telling him or her about the setting or images you were tempted by could be more traumatizing than helpful.
- Do not project you or your spouse's sexual history on your child. Just because you or your spouse had this experience does not mean that your child is doomed to have the same experience.
- Be clear about the cost. One of the most important reasons for sharing some of your sexual past with your child is to communicate negative consequences. Make sure you understand clearly what those consequences were; physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Parents Who Were Sexually Abused
Sometimes parents are reluctant to discuss the subject of pornography with their children because they themselves were sexually abused or exploited as children. Research shows that one in four women and one in seven men have been sexually abused physically before the age of 18, leaving millions of wounded individuals, many of whom are now struggling to raise healthy children.
Sexual abuse and exploitation can take many forms. While physical abuse is generally the most recognized, there is also verbal, emotional and mental abuse. Children are verbally sexually abused when they are the subject of inappropriate comments about their bodies, or sexualized jokes. Emotional sexual abuse occurs when love and affection are withheld from a child, which sometimes causes problems with body image and creates gender confusion. Mental sexual abuse occurs when a child is exposed to pornography or any sexually-explicit magazine, movie, or TV program. A highly-sexualized message can warp a child's understanding of the proper relationship between male and female, and God's purpose for the human body.
If you are a parent who was sexually exploited or abused early in life, and are finding it difficult to discuss the subject of pornography with your child, it might be helpful to consider the pain and hardship this created in your own life. You probably understand better than most people how sexualizing a child in his or her tender years can be crippling for a lifetime. This may provide motivation for you to make a commitment to ensuring a better future for your own child, and providing him or her with the healthy nurturing you may never have received.
Work Toward Healing
For parents who struggle with sexual issues from their past, Linda Klepacki, Focus on the Family analyst for sexual health, has several suggestions to help you work through and move beyond the pain and mistakes of the past:
- Talk with your spouse about your past. This discussion will allow your relationship to become closer and free of secrets.
- Talk with your pastor about your past. Your pastor may provide wise counsel for support and healing.
- Talk with a professional Christian counselor. Keep in mind that this healing process may require a series of counseling sessions.
- If appropriate, schedule counseling time together for you and your spouse.
- Persevere. Continue working through these issues until you resolve them. For some of us, healing is a lifetime process, but one well worth undertaking.
As you confront and deal with your past, the next step in talking to your child about pornography is to lay the groundwork for the conversation.
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