1. It's easier to talk about difficult subjects if you have good rapport with your child concerning the easier ones. Time spent building relationships during the preteen years usually pays major dividends later on.

Your actions will reinforce (or invalidate) your words.

2. Parents often worry that if they discuss sex in any detail, it will "give the kids ideas." Here's a late news flash: The kids already have plenty of ideas, and now they need to hear your viewpoint about them. However, they probably won't ask you, so you need to take the initiative.
3. Warnings about dangerous behaviors will be more effective if they aren't diluted by nagging about less serious matters. Accentuate the positive, and what you say about the negative will carry more weight.
4. Don't expect to communicate your values in a few lengthy sessions. Brief but potent teachable moments crop up regularly throughout childhood and adolescence. Seizing these opportunities requires spending enough time with a child to allow them to take place.
5. Your actions will reinforce (or invalidate your words. The misguided commandment "Do what I say, not what I do" has never worked and never will. However, this doesn't mean that mistakes, miscalculations, and reckless behavior in your past invalidate what you say today. Some parents worry that they can't legitimately warn their kids not to do what they did as teenagers. Heartfelt confessions, cautionary tales, and lessons learned at the University of Hard Knocks can have a profound impact on young listeners. As long as you're not setting a hypocritical double standard ("It's okay for me but not for you"), don't be afraid to share what you've learned the hard way.
6. Don't shift into "lecture gear" very often, if at all. Your teenager's desire for independence and his heartfelt need to be treated like an adult (even if his behavior suggests otherwise) will cause eyes to glaze and attention to drift if you launch into a six-point sermon on the evils of sex. If you feel strongly about God's plan for sexuality, say what's on your heart without beating your teen into the ground.
7. Don't give up if your efforts to broach the topic of sex aren't greeted with enthusiasm. Even when your tone is open and inviting, you may find that a lively conversation is harder to start than a camp-fire on a cold, windy night. Your thoughts may be expressed honestly, tactfully, and eloquently, but you still may not get rapt attention from your intended audience. Be patient, don't express frustration, and don't be afraid to try again later.
8. While you state your principles about sex with consistency, conviction, and clarity, your adolescent also must understand that he can come to you when he has a problem. If your teenager is convinced that "Mom and Dad will kill me if they find out what I've done," you will be the last to find out what he's done. But if he knows you are a source of strength and help when trouble comes, you will be able to help him contain the damage if he makes an unwise decision. And indirectly, you may show him the attributes of God, his ultimate refuge and strength.

—Adapted from the Focus on Your Family booklet, Talking About Sex and Sexuality to Your Adolescent, an excerpt from The Complete Book of Baby & Child Care (Copyright © 1997). Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.

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