Talking to Tweens About Love, Sex and Relationships

As a society, we do not help our youth transition to adolescence easily. The Jewish faith has the wonderful tradition of bar and bat mitzvahs, which are celebrations of passage. As Christian parents, we can encourage our adolescents simply by gathering trusted friends and family around them to create our own “rite of passage” celebration. I have friends who have given their sons actual swords, along with special prayers from people their sons admire. The purpose is to acknowledge this time of life and to assure your child that he is not alone. Adolescents need to know that there are adults who care about them and are cheering them on toward maturity.

Author and psychologist Michael Gurian talks about the “intimacy imperative” that girls have during this transitional stage of development. This is why girls hold hands with each other and hug one another openly while boys wrestle on the playing field. Girls have a desire for connection, intimacy and safety. When we acknowledge this, we can help our teen girls meet this need in healthy ways. Most adolescents try to have their needs met among their friends. How they act out that intimacy imperative — particularly without guidance from parents — can lead to trouble.

Gurian stresses that far too many parents abandon their parenting duties when their children transition to the teen years. Puberty is not miniadulthood. Many social scientists are decrying the trend of reduced parenting once a child hits middle school. Social research is actually saying that children need their parents, even if they don’t act like they do. A number of women tend to re-enter the workforce when their children become teenagers. However, in reality, the young teen years are frightening for children, and they need the stable presence of an adult.

— Amy Stephens

Last updated: May 2005

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On This Topic

• Introduction • Connection • Transition • Communication • Benefits of Abstinence • Themes to Touch on

Preparing for Adolescence Help your child through the turbulent "growing pains" years with the wisdom of Dr. Dobson. In this essential paperback, he speaks directly and sincerely to adolescents about the topics that trouble them the most.