Where many of us run the risk as parents, especially Christian parents, is bringing up our kids with just a set of rules. Josh McDowell says, “Rules without relationship lead to rebellion.”

When we become controlling, authoritarian parents, we suffocate our children and cause them to resent us. The jaws of the peer group are just waiting for a kid who is easily controlled. So our job is not to create a controllable kid who will be devoured by his peers. When a tween/teen does not have something positive to identify with and has no say so over his life, he is more likely to grow up with a nagging feeling that he needs to “find himself.” These adolescents — when they grow up and have families of their own — are more prone to leaving their spouse and kids in a pursuit to finally “find themselves.” They end up chasing rainbows that don’t even exist.

One of the ways we can build relationship with our tween/teen and help him resist peer pressure is to make sure he is a contributing member of the family. Ask yourself: What does my teen do on a daily basis? What does he give back to the family? Am I running a hotel or a home? Is my job to keep him happy at all times?

We want to have a household where every family member produces. It’s not our job to plow the roads of life for our tween/teen and make sure he’s ecstatic at every turn. Instead, we want to create windows of opportunities for our teenager so he feels he is a contributing member to a healthy family unit.

One favor we can do our children is to release them from all the activities we have them involved in. We can let our children choose one activity per semester. Driving to three or four practices/meets per week per child quickly eliminates any chance of having quality and quantity time together as a family.

Remember:

• Expect the best. Most of us don’t expect the best of our kids. In a way, we tell our kids that we expect them to goof up. One way or another we find a way to broadcast that negative commercial. But having positive expectations and saying to your child “Hey, you’ve got a good brain in your head; use it” is actually a healthy way to respond as a parent. You’re saying, “Hey, I think you will make wise choices.”

• Build relationship and create positive identify. When your teen knows he is accepted and is contributing to a worthwhile family unit, he will feel less of a need to give in to peer pressure so he can “belong.” He will already have that sense of belonging at home where he doesn’t have to compromise his values.