Dr. Dobson Answers Your QuestionsQ. My oldest son is approaching the age when we had previously agreed to allow him to date. The more I think about it, though, the more the whole idea concerns me. It seems that even in the best of dating situations, the negatives exceed the positives. I can’t help but feel that I’m setting my son up for failure. Several of my church friends have adopted the concept of “courtship” rather than dating. Could you please explain this idea to me and suggest which of the two arrangements you favor?
A. Simply put, the “courtship” concept is a reaction to the dating model that is
thought by many to be unhealthy. Dating couples go through a series of short-term
and often unsatisfying relationships over a period of five or ten years or longer.
They are being taught to flit from one relationship to another like a honeybee buzzing
from flower to flower. Why would they not be inclined later to bail out on a
marriage partner when bored or frustrated? Dating also encourages sexual familiarity
and experimentation. It isn’t difficult to understand why an increasing number
of parents feel this traditional model undermines commitment, exclusivity,
and permanence in marriage.
The courtship model, by contrast, seeks to postpone emotional and physical entanglements
until they occur with the probable husband or wife. The family is
very supportive in helping to choose that special individual for a serious courtship
when the time is right. Until then, relationships between the sexes are limited to
group situations in carefully controlled settings. Physical intimacy for the sake of
titillation and experimentation is considered to be most inappropriate. It is the ultimate
in “saving oneself” for the man or woman with whom a lifetime will be spent.
Many parents, and undoubtedly the majority of teenagers, would consider the
courtship model to be extreme and terribly restrictive. Not every teenager would
tolerate it. I believe it is a good idea in those settings where both generations are
committed to it and are willing to work together to make it successful. Courtship is
not recommended in cases of adolescent rebellion or where there is great resistance
to the idea. Whether or not to take this approach, therefore, is a matter for individual
families to determine.
— Dr. James Dobson
This article was adapted from Complete Marriage and Family Home Reference Guide by Dr. James Dobson with the permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. Copyright 2000 by James Dobson, Inc. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.
