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Development Topics
Toddlerhood — Dr. Dobson Answers Your Questions
Separation Anxiety
Q: I just can’t cope with the thought of leaving my 18-month-old in the church nursery. Is it damaging to leave him and let him cry hysterically? Or should I stay with him in the nursery until he outgrows this separation anxiety?
A: This is a very common reaction for a youngster that age. In fact, it’s common up to 3 years of age. Your child wants you as a full-time playmate. Maybe not at this moment, but within the next six months, you need to start weaning him away from that constant attention, just as you weaned him from nursing.
A common mistake made by parents of very young children is the fear of the consequences of permitting any kind of frustration to the child. For example, if the child doesn’t want to go to bed, then someone will have to rock him. Or if he doesn’t want to stay in the nursery, then Mom can’t go to church, and so on.
You’ve got two challenges. One is what’s best for you, and the other one is the reality of the nursery workers who can’t stand the screaming. Like I said, within six months, you need to put him in the nursery, say good-bye, walk away and let him cry it out. Those tears will not hurt him. After you’ve done it once or twice, he’ll quit doing it. To not do that means that you will yield to the manipulation of a youngster who is saying, “Do it my way and if you don’t, I’ll scream.”
It’s not quite that conscious, but I received a letter from a father this week who told me literally that their little toddler was breaking up their home. He had made so many demands, and they were afraid to frustrate him. He wouldn’t go to bed at night and when he did, he would scream. They would get him up and walk the floor with him. They couldn’t turn their backs on him. Somebody had to give him attention 24 hours a day, and that’s not healthy for a child.
Generally speaking, you are not going to hurt your child emotionally by doing what you need to do, and then coming back to get him. When he discovers that you always return and that the nursery workers are not going to hurt him, then he’ll settle down.
Do you have thoughts, questions, advice on this topic? Post your stories and comments in the forum for other parents to respond to. Enter the forum now.
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