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Development Topics
The Overprotected Child
“Letting Go”
I have observed that the process of "letting go" during late adolescence is much more difficult for parents with deep religious convictions than for those without them. Christian families are more likely to be aware of, and be concerned by, the spiritual dangers their children will face with increasing independence and freedom. They have greater reason to fear the consequences of premarital intercourse, marriage to a nonbeliever, rejection of the Christian ethic and other departures from the faith they have taught. Everything they have said during the first 18 years will either be incorporated into the values of the new adult, or it will be all rejected and thrown overboard.
The importance of this decision causes too many zealous parents to hold on tightly to their maturing child. They insist that he do what is right, demanding his obedience and loyalty. They allow him to make few important decisions and try to force-feed certain attitudes. But the day for that kind of programming is then past. The result is often resentment in the adolescent, leading to defiance just to prove independence.
A mother came to me recently about her 20-year-old son, Paul. He was not obeying her as she thought he should, and the conflict was literally making her sick. Paul rented an apartment against her will (with a roommate she disliked), and he was seen with girls of questionable reputation. He threatened to transfer from a Christian college to a local university and more or less denounced his faith.
I told her that Paul's day-to-day behavior was no longer her responsibility. She had completed her task as his mother and should set him free. I explained that her nagging and begging were probably accentuating Paul's defiance, since she was playing an inappropriate "mothering" role he resented. I suggested that she sit down and write her son a polite and loving letter, telling him emphatically that she was letting him go — once and for all.
Several days later the woman brought for my approval a rough draft of a letter she had written. It was not what I had in mind. Her composition turned out to be a finger-wagging indictment, warning of the future and urging the wayward boy back to his senses. It was impossible to edit what she had written, so I wrote a letter for her. She sent my letter to her son over her own signature, and I have printed it below with her permission:
Dear Paul:
This is the most important letter I have ever written to you, and I hope you will take it as seriously as it is intended. I have given a great amount of thought and prayer to the matter I want to convey and believe I am right in what I've decided to do.
For the past several years, you and I have been involved in a painful tug-of-war. You have been struggling to free yourself of my values and my wishes for your life. At the same time, I have been trying to hold you to what we both know is right. Even at the risk of nagging, I have been saying, "Go to church," "Choose the right friends," "Make good grades in school," "Live a Christian life," "Prepare wisely for your future," etc. I'm sure you've gotten tired of this urging and warning, but I have only wanted the best for you. This is the only way I knew to keep you from making some of the mistakes so many others have made.
However, I've thought all of this over during the last month, and I believe that my job as your mother is now finished. Since the day you were born, I have done my best to do what was right for you. I have not always been successful — I've made mistakes, and I've failed in many ways. Someday you will learn how difficult it is to be a good parent, and perhaps then you'll understand me better than you do now.
But there's one area where I have never wavered: I've loved you with everything that is within me. It is impossible to convey the depth of my love for you through these years, and that affection is as great today as it's ever been. It will continue to be there in the future, although our relationship will change from this moment. As of now, you are free!
You may reject God or accept Him as you choose. Ultimately, you will answer only to Him anyway. You may marry whomever you wish without protest from me. You may go to UCLA or USC or any other college of your selection. You may fail or succeed in each of life's responsibilities. The umbilical cord is now broken.
I am not saying these things out of bitterness or anger. I still care what happens to you and am concerned for your welfare. I will pray for you daily, and if you come to me for advice, I'll offer my opinion. But the responsibility now shifts from my shoulders to yours. You are a man now, and you're entitled to make your own decisions — regardless of the consequences. Throughout your life I've tried to build a foundation of values that would prepare you for this moment of manhood and independence. That time has come, and my record is in the books.
I have confidence in you, son. You are gifted and have been blessed in so many ways. I believe God will lead you and guide your footsteps, and I am optimistic about the future. Regardless of the outcome, I will always have a special tenderness in my heart for my beloved son.
Sincerely,
Your mother
This message simply must be conveyed to your child when the time comes, whether it be discussed in conversation or written in the form of a letter. We are given 18 or 20 years to interject the proper values and attitudes; then we must take our hands off and trust in divine leadership to influence the outcome. Surprisingly, the chances of a young adult making the right decisions are greatly increased when no fight is underway for adulthood and independence.
The biblical story of the Prodigal Son in Luke 15:11-32 is a brilliant guide to follow at this point. The father knew his boy was going to squander his money and live with prostitutes. He knew he would make many mistakes and possibly destroy himself in the process. Yet he permitted the young man to leave home. He did not chain him to a tree or even condemn him verbally. Nor did he bail him out when he ran aground in the distant land. The love with which the father said good-bye made it possible for his son to return after making a mess of his life. We would do well to follow this father's loving example.
Our final task in building self-esteem for our children comes as we transfer responsibility from our shoulders to theirs, beginning with the rudimentary skills of infancy and terminating with their emancipation during the late teens or early 20s. Letting go is not an easy task, but good parenthood demands it.
— Dr. James Dobson
Adapted from The New Hide or Seek: Building Confidence in Your Child
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