One young widow had been left with the task of raising her baby by herself. Davie was the only person left in the world she really loved. Her reaction was to smother him totally. The boy was 7 years old when she came to me for counseling. Her son was afraid to sleep in a room by himself. He refused to stay with a baby-sitter and even resisted going to school. He did not dress himself, and his behavior was infantile.
Instead of waiting in the reception room while I talked to his mother, he found my office and stood with his hand on the doorknob for an hour, whimpering and begging to be admitted. His mother interpreted all this as evidence of his fear that she would die as his father had. In response, she bound him even more tightly, sacrificing all her own needs and desires. She could neither go on dates nor bring any men into their home. She could not get involved in any activities of her own or have any adult experiences without her cling-along son.
It is crucial that we as parents allow our children to enjoy age-appropriate freedom and responsibility. We must not let fear of emotional and physical hardships keep our children locked in our arms. For example, are you afraid to make your child do household chores because he protests so loudly?
I have discovered that this process of dependency may not always be motivated by an admirable desire to protect the child. Very often, a mother (more frequently than the father) will foster a binding relationship to meet her own emotional needs. Perhaps the romance has gone out of her marriage, and a child is her only real source of love. Perhaps she has had trouble making lasting friendships. For whatever reason, she wants to remain at the center of her child’s life.
As a result, the parent fosters dependence, waiting on the child hand and foot. She refuses to obtain her freedom for the specific purpose of denying him his. I counseled one woman whose mother overprotected her. She never married, and through emotional blackmail her mother kept her from going out into the world. The mother continued to cook and clean for her and wash her clothes. Her mother died at the age of 90. She was 72 years old and had never been on her own. It's a frightening thing to experience in old age what other people endure in adolescence.
This vital task of turning a child loose is not restricted to the early years. It is equally important all the way through the march toward young adulthood. Each year a child should make more decisions. More routine responsibilities of living should fall on his shoulders as he is able to handle them.
A 7-year-old, for example, is usually capable of selecting clothing for the day, making his bed each morning and keeping his bedroom straight. A 9- or 10-year-old may carry more freedom, such as the choice of television programs to watch (within reason). I am not suggesting abdicating parental leadership. I believe we should give conscious thought to the reasonable, orderly transfer of freedom and responsibility so that we are preparing the child each year for that moment of full independence.
— Dr. James Dobson
Adapted from The New Hide or Seek: Building Confidence in Your Child
