From about three years of age, your little pride and joy begins making his way into the world of other people. He plays near his home with neighborhood children; he may be enrolled in preschool, and a year or two later, he will toddle off to kindergarten. Whereas his self-concept could be carefully guarded during the first few years, it now becomes difficult for Mom and Dad to control his environment.
This initial "turning loose" period is often threatening to a compulsive parent. The natural reaction is to smother the child in "protection." By watching, guarding, defending, and shielding him night and day, perhaps the parents can spare the child some of the pain they experienced in their younger days. This intense desire to help can actually interfere with a child’s growth and development. Certain risks must be tolerated if a child is to progress. He will never learn to walk if he is not allowed to fall in the process.
It’s probably easier to foster an unhealthy dependency relationship between parent and child than it is to avoid one. Often it begins during the early days of infancy. At the moment of birth, an infant is completely helpless, and his parents are responsible for meeting his every need. They are his servants, and if they're too slow in meeting his demands, he is equipped with a spine-chilling scream to urge them into action. He carries no obligations whatsoever. He doesn't even have to appreciate their efforts or apologize for getting them up six times in one night.
About twenty years later, however, we expect some radical changes to have occurred in that individual. He should then be able to assume the full responsibilities of young adulthood. He is expected to spend his money wisely, hold down a job, be loyal to one woman, support the needs of his family, obey the laws of the land and be a good citizen.
During the course of childhood, an individual should progress from a position of no responsibility to a position of full responsibility. But how does a child get from position A to position B? How does this transformation of self-discipline take place? Many self-appointed experts on child raising seem to feel it should happen toward the late end of adolescence, about fifteen minutes before the grown child leaves home permanently.
I reject that notion categorically. The best preparation for responsible adulthood is derived from training during childhood. This is not to say that the child is horsewhipped into acting like an adult. It does mean that the child is encouraged to progress on an orderly timetable of events, carrying the level of responsibility that is appropriate for his age.
Shortly after birth, for example, the mother begins transferring responsibilities from her shoulders to those of her infant. Little by little he learns to sleep through the night, hold his own bottle and reach for what he wants. Later he learns to walk and talk. Gradually, as each new skill is mastered, his mother "frees" herself that much more from his servitude.
The transfer of responsibility ordinarily runs along smoothly until the child reaches about 18 months of age. At that point, he suddenly realizes two things: (1) Work is definitely an evil to be avoided at all costs. He hates the very thought of it. (2) With every new task he is forced to accept, he loses his momma a little more. Whereas she was his full-time servant before, now she is slipping away. He must learn to pick up his blocks and wash behind his ears.
But the emotional and physical threats which all children face as they grow up can easily cause an anxious mother to overprotect her child. Her idea is: "If I keep him dependent upon me for as long as possible, I can better protect him from the cruel world." Therefore, she won't let him cross the street for several years after he could make it safely.
She does everything for him, requiring nothing in return. She enters into each neighborhood argument that occurs among his friends, taking his side regardless of who was right. And heaven help the teacher who tries to discipline her little one. All through childhood she fosters a continuation of the infancy relationship, retaining all the responsibility on her back.
But we must ask ourselves what the end result is for a child who grows up in this type of environment.
— Dr. James Dobson
Adapted from The New Hide or Seek: Building Confidence in Your Child
