Let’s look at the three approaches parents most commonly use to teach their children and influence behavior. We’ll also consider one additional option.
The Power Approach
Parents who use this approach think they can influence their children’s behavior by being strong and imposing their will through yelling or threats.
This approach may subdue children, but it strips them of their sense of personal power and can make them frustrated instead of proud of what they’re doing.
In the short run, this kind of discipline my seem effective — it gets outward results — but inwardly it doesn’t cause a change of heart. Plus, it can actually prevent children from developing empathy, an important problem-solving skill.
The Suggesting Approach
Some parents, upon seeing their children in conflict, will make suggestions. Eight-year-old Joanne, for example, comes home every day pouting because her friend Rita won’t play with her. Joanne’s mom wants to help and says, “Why don’t you invite her to go swimming?” When Joanne reports that Rita doesn’t want to go swimming, her mom says, “Maybe she’d like to come over and we’ll rent a video.”
In the face of the parent’s suggestions, the child has no opportunity to come up with ideas of her own. It’s true that offering occasional suggestions can be helpful. But if a parent does it all the time, the child will remain passive. Also, if used too often, this approach may stifle a child’s thinking process and self-expression.
The Explaining Approach
Many parents realize that merely suggesting a course of action to their child isn’t sufficient, so they work hard at offering explanations, such as “Your brother feels bad when you hit him, so you shouldn’t do it.”
But ultimately the explaining parent is taking the active role and keeping the kids passive. The child isn’t being invited into conversation — just simply asked to listen. Eventually many children start to tune out because they feel they’ve heard the same thing a thousand times, so parents can never be sure if the message gets through.
The Problem-Solving Approach
What differentiates this approach from the others is that it involves children in the process of thinking about what they’re doing. Children don’t often tune out when they’re part of the conversation.
Instead of saying, “Your brother feels bad when you hit him,” a problem-solving parent may ask, “How do you think your brother feels when you hit him?” or “Can you think of a different way to show your brother how you feel when he takes your things without asking?”
The questions encourage and guide your child to become an active participant in the conversation. They create dialogues, not monologues.
There may be a time and place to use all these approaches, but remember the goal: to help your child think for himself, make better decisions the first time and have long-lasting behavior change.
Adapted with permission of Henry Holt and Company from Raising a Thinking Preteen. Copyright © 2000 by Myrna B. Shure, Ph.D. All rights reserved.
