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Development Topics
What to Expect from Your Child
Teaching Your Child to Do What’s Right
My son, Luke, is 18 months old. Today he slapped me — hard! This wasn’t the first time either. I immediately told him, “That hurt Mommy.” He grabbed me and said, “Hug, hug.” This was his way of trying to comfort me. He then asked for a crayon as if nothing had happened.
After Luke hit me, I could tell he didn’t feel badly about it. There wasn’t an ounce of guilt.
When do children begin to feel guilty for what they’ve done wrong? How do we go about teaching children not to hurt others and to just do what’s right? The first thing to know is that many children choose right from wrong based on age-specific factors.
Preschoolers may do what’s right to avoid getting into trouble.
School-aged kids may do what’s right if they believe they will get something good in return.
Junior high kids may choose what’s right based on what their friends are doing or if there are set rules for the behavior.
We can challenge children of all ages to do what’s right for “right’s sake” by following the suggestions of child psychologist David Cimbora. He believes that following the two-step process helps instill empathy and healthy guilt in children and teaches them to behave in moral ways even when others aren’t looking.
When your child harms others or misbehaves:
Step 1: Communicate to your child the consequences of his actions.
Step 2: Help your child acknowledge responsibility.
Example
If your child hits his brother, say:
Step 1: “Bobby is crying because his arm hurts. His arm hurts because you hit him.”
Step 2: “Remember how much it hurt when Jenny hit you yesterday? Can you tell me why Bobby’s arm hurts?” Using this process will increase your child’s ability to feel empathy for others and decrease the likelihood that he will repeat the act. Just make sure you use a gentle but direct approach. Remind your child that harming others or making poor choices has consequences. Follow up with appropriate discipline.
Do you have thoughts, questions, advice on this topic? Post your stories and comments in the forum for other parents to respond to. Enter the forum now.
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